Do you resist your light?

Sometimes I experience the same vulnerable moments as my photography clients when they have to get in front of my camera.

The photos you’re looking at took three attempts to make.

Three times I booked the studio for my self-portrait shoot, and the first two times “something” would come up and I’d cancel. Quite joyfully, I might add.

Fascinating how I show up for others like a clockwork, but showing up for myself isn’t always THAT important (what a deep thought, ha! We’ll have to unpack it some other time.)

The second time I was supposed to go to the studio, I was packed and really honestly “ready” to go, when I remembered to check if the batteries in my remote camera clicker were working.

Surely enough, the batteries were dead.

What a relief! I don’t have to go!

After one second of pure joy, the guilt crept in. “I have to go! I’m packed and everything, the non-refundable deposit has been paid… I wonder if Duane Reade around the corner has these batteries?”

The Duane Reade around the corner did not have the special batteries I needed.

What a relief! Again! Now I definitely do not have to go!

I almost skipped back home like a 5-year-old girl. I must have looked super cute in that moment.

Don’t you find this self-sabotage adorable? Checking batteries 10 minutes before the shoot is not something I’d ever do for someone else. I have checklists and things, and I get pretty much packed 24 hours before a client’s shoot. But showing up for myself isn’t always that important… Who cares about non-refundable deposits? Not this girl! Haha!

Third time was the charm. Coincidentally, it was on my Mom’s birthday. My Mom and I hadn’t been close for many different reasons, but I feel like she’s been my Guardian Angel since she passed a few years ago.

Once at the studio, all that nonsensical mental noise went away.

Working on these images brought me joy. Creating is joy.